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David Squires

Dis-Location: In a Lonely Place

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Location, location, location. The retail mantra that’s so nice, we say it thrice.

Does your store benefit from a killer location? Or maybe not so much? Or maybe not at all? Here are some signs that your store might be a bit, umm, off the beaten track.

  1. The lone tumbleweed blowing across your showroom floor.
  2. Hillary Clinton stays in your store during high terror alerts.
  3. Have to hang lunch high in the trees so bears won’t steal it.
  4. Ambient noise = vultures cawing, rattlesnakes hissing, and “city folk” whose car broke down moaning in your basement.
  5. Cable company says they’ll be by to hook you up between the hours of 1 p.m. and 2016.
  6. Your goldsmith uses nearby lava flow for metal work.
  7. While watching Mars Rover footage on TV you notice the robot approaching your front door.
  8. Your last customer was competing in the Iditarod.
  9. Sales staff is made up of Gilligan, the Skipper and Ginger.
  10. Giant hand keeps putting pieces of cheese in front of your door and dropping what seem to be huge white mice way off around the corner and in the distance.
  11. Only customer is a volleyball named “Wilson”.
  12. Store was featured on an “In Search Of …” episode.
  13. Nearest neighbors in the tornado are the roof of a barn and a flying cow.
  14. Five-year warranties on watches already expired by time customers get all the way home.

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