This month, there’s a section in our lead entitled ?15 Things You Should Never Say To Customers.? Be sure to check it out. It could be one of the most important things you read this year. And for one of the least important things you read this year, ?In the End? ? in a transparent effort at one-upsmanship ? came up with their own even bigger list of ?20 Things You Should Never Say To Customers?.

This month, there’s a section in our lead entitled ?15 Things You Should Never Say To Customers.? Be sure to check it out. It could be one of the most important things you read this year. And for one of the least important things you read this year, ?In the End? ? in a transparent effort at one-upsmanship ? came up with their own even bigger list of ?20 Things You Should Never Say To Customers?. 

1. ?Man, am I beat today. Tell you what … just have a look around and if you see something you like, wake me up and I’ll take it out so you can have a closer look at it.? 

2. ?8:59 and 50 seconds … 51 … 52 … 53 … 54 … 55 … 56 … 57 … 58 … 59.? Claps hands. ?9 o’clock. Everybody out … we’re closed!? 

3. ?Welcome to our st- … phew!!!? Waving hand in front of face. ?Smells like someone had Mexican for lunch.?  

4. ?What up, dawg?? 

5. ?You’ve got great taste, ma’am. This is an exact duplicate of a necklace that Courtney Love wore to her last court appearance.? 

6. Nicknames ? for example, ?Ace?, ?Champ?, ?Skippy?, or ?Boobala?. These should not be used with any customers over the age of 7. 

7. ?What’s the problem, Richie Rich … gremlins holding your wallet shut?? 

8. ?Baby needs a new pair of shoes!? (Or any other statement that could be construed as putting the salesperson’s commission above the customer’s needs.) 

9. ?Suggested budget?? Rubbing hands together and grinning. ?Whaddaya got? Whaddaya got? Whaddaya got?? 

10. Political statements or banter that indicate partisanship, however slight. (E.g. ?So who are you voting for in November … Bush or that flip-flopping, Botox-shooting, Herman Munster-lookalike??) 

11. ?You know I think it’s just super when older people, like, make an effort to keep current with, you know, the latest styles?? 

12. Drooling innuendo as sales pitch. ?That ring? That ring’s nice, sure. But if you’re looking for a ring that will really get you some hot horizontal mambo action, there’s this little beauty …? 

13. ?Sir, we’ve already been at this for 15 minutes … Do you think you’ll be purchasing today, or should I arrange to have my body cryogenically frozen so I will be ready to serve you at such time as you’re prepared to make a purchase?? 

14. ?Please make yourself comfortable. We want you to think of this store as your home. All we ask is that you please walk on the newspapers, not on the carpet. And please sit only on the sofas with the plastic slipcovers.? 

15. The phrase ?the woman in question? which adds a sneaky, illicit, Motel 6-ish undertone to even the most innocent purchase discussion. ?A 50th anniversary gift? Wonderful! And the woman in question … is your wife?? 

16. False Freudian slips which, believe us, don’t go over customers’ heads. (E.g. ?Thank you, sir. I’m sure she’ll absolutely love this diamond chip … shoot, I meant to say diamond ring! Anyway, let me go wrap up this diamond chip … darn, I did it again!?) 

17. ?Will you be paying by cash, credit card, or the contents of your piggy bank?? 

18. Over-enjoyment of your store’s exclusive nature. ?If you have to ask, then you can’t afford it ? hee-hee, I always love saying that.? 

19. Comments that might be perceived as insufficiently understanding of a customer’s fears over a major purchase. (E.g. ?If she doesn’t say yes? Well, I’m sure your mother could use a nice diamond ring. Or an aunt or something … they love diamond rings. Don’t worry so much!?) 

20. ?Return policy? Heh-heh … as I always say, ?You pays your money, you takes your chances’.?