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In the End

Heart Failures

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Cheeks are blushing. Hearts are aflutter. Yes, once again, we’ve reached the most romantic time of the year, that day when we are all compelled to show our true feelings for those we love most. And for jewelers, that means only one thing: Ka-ching! To help you rake in maximum moolah this Valentine’s Day, the hovering cherubs at ?In the End? have come up with some killer lines to use in your sales pitches. Or maybe not:

* ?You know, most people believe that the real St. Valentine died from an arrow to the heart. But my research shows that he was actually killed by an arrow right through his eyeball …? 

*?Actually, love is not in the air. Air is a combination of two parts oxygen and one part carbon, mixed with pure oxygen and whatever other trace elements are around …? 

*?Now I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but he was in here this morning getting a specially engraved bracelet for you too, Sharon. Your name’s not Sharon? Oops, let me take that back.? 

*?Congratulations, sir, I think somebody’s just going to be oinking with delight when she gets it!? 

*?Hey, I just want you to know that I think it’s really cool that a couple your age are still going through the motions for Valentine’s Day.? 

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*?Nice purchase, sir. May I suggest this box of Cracker Jack popcorn to wrap it in??  

*?Suggested budget for a typical Valentine’s Day purchase? Well, here at Acme Jewelers, we have a little thing we call the ?two-month’s salary rule’ ? … 

*?The best thing about this diamond bracelet is that you can throw it up to 60 yards without any discernible damage, so you don’t have to worry about violating that restraining order when you give it to that girl everyone says you’re so ?crazy’ about.? 

*?Okay, I just had a mental picture of your ?reward’ for giving her this gift … and I’m just totally grossed out.? 

*?Well, sure, you could go with this little diamond … and you could also just cut to the chase and give the postman a copy of your house key and the dates you’ll be out of town on business trips.? 

*?That ring? That ring will cost you $1059. $59 for the ring, and $1000 for the hotel room you’re going to have to rent for the next week after she kicks you out of the house …? 

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*?Nice purchase, sir. May I suggest you also buy her a Snickers bar to complete the mood??  

*?Pretty big rock you’re buying there, sir. Making up for a lack of size in another department, are we?? 

*?By the way, did you know that if you were to buy another one of these and give it to your secretary, you could write it off as a tax-deductible business expense?? 

*?May I congratulate you on your purchase, sir, and invite you back to our store any time you feel the need to express your most deeply-felt emotions through the use of your credit card.?

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