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David Squires

Holiday Misfires

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Are you ready to put the cherry on top of your holiday season with a successful event this year?

Not sorta ready. Really ready. If you’re not really ready, consider visiting us at September’s SMART Jewelry Show Dallas for three days of register-dinging holiday ideas. (Register or get more information.) Otherwise, you might find yourself running one of these wildly inappropriate holiday events in your store this year.

HONEY, MEET MY MISTRESS NIGHT
PROMO COPY: Guys, she’s going to find out about ‘the other woman’ eventually. So why not cushion the blow by having it happen at Acme Jewelers — the only place where you can confess to your cheating ways … and start the healing process at the same time! That’s right — Acme Jewelers, offering 50% off on all ‘I’ve been a total jerk’ jewelry for one night only to men admitting to infidelity in front of their wives!

NO-SECURITY HOLIDAY BASH
PROMO COPY: ’Tis the night before Christmas, and the security guards are all drunk on mulled wine/ the combination to the safe is right-23, left-4, right-39/ The floor has been cleared to make escaping a breeze/ So join us in celebrating cash bonus day, won’t you please?

WE WISH YOU A MERRY … OH BITE ME
PROMO COPY: Does “holiday cheer” get you down? Tired of twinkling, cherry-cheeked salespeople wishing you “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays” at every store you enter? Acme Jewelers has got the answer. Our poorly-paid, under-trained, completely unsupervised employees will provide you with an amazing customer experience this holiday season. We promise not to smile, acknowledge you while we’re on coffee breaks, or wish you a happy anything while ringing up your sale. Though an occasional “Up yours, fatso” is not out of the question.

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GUESS SANTA’S BLOOD-ALCOHOL LEVEL
PROMO COPY: For kids of all ages! Prizes galore! Sit in Santa’s lap — or more likely, give him a shoulder to lean on to keep from falling over — and make your best guess at the amount of booze coursing through his veins after your once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal whiff of our own Kris Kringle’s eggnog-scented breath!

SURVIVOR: ACME JEWELERS
PROMO COPY: 39 days; 16 irritated customers stuck in the store with a case of Mountain Dew, a few boxes of Krispy Kremes, and a variety of dramatic challenges involving soldering and ring gauges. Outwit. Outlast. Out-loupe. Who will be the one to walk away with the $50 gift certificate and a lifetime supply of jewelry cleaning fluid?

YOU’VE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY THIS YEAR
PROMO COPY: Someone close to you has not been on their best behavior this year. Instead of just threatening to put the proverbial coal in their stocking, why not really do it? How do you think that specially bad special someone will feel on Christmas morning when he or she opens that always-meaningful little box … to see, set daintily in a fine platinum mounting, a lump of ugly-as-dirt, Pennsylvania-grade coal? Crushing. (Of course, if you do lose your nerve, you can always tell them it’s a really big — and slightly chalky — black diamond.)

MORE HOLIDAY EVENTS YOU PROBABLY DON’T WANT TO HOLD
® Joy To the World Wrestling Federation
® Bobbing for Diamonds
® Name That Gem Treatment
® Bring a Personal-Injury Lawyer To Our Store
® Avalanche Weather Promotion
® Venison Night
® Elf-Throwing Competition
® Your Boss Wants Body Jewelry This Christmas!
® Psychedelic Cider Party
® Free Vodka Shots + Appraisals Holiday Blowout!
® Silent Night, Deadly Night
® Win a Date With Santa

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A Liquidation Sale during a Pandemic? Wilkerson Showed Them the Way

For 25 years, Stafford Jewelers of Cincinnati, Ohio, was THE place to go for special gifts, engagement diamonds, high-end Swiss watch brands — in other words, the crème de la crème of fine jewelry. But this summer, the Stafford family was ready to retire. So, they chose Wilkerson to help them close up shop. “One of the biggest concerns was having the sale in the middle of COVID,” says Director of Stores Michelle Randle. Wilkerson gave the Stafford team plenty of ideas as well as safety guidelines, which they closely followed. “All of the employees felt safe, the customers coming in the door felt safe and we did a lot of business,” says Randle. How much business? “The inventory flew,” she says. Translation: They sold millions and millions of dollars-worth of merchandise. Randle calls it, “an incredible experience.” Would she recommend Wilkerson to other retailers who are thinking of thinning their inventories or retiring? “Everyone got more than what they expected out of the sale. You have to hire Wilkerson. They’re amazing.”

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