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In Kesslers Diamonds, One Cool Sign



We’re just putting the finishing touches on our June issue this week, and I wanted to give you a sneak preview of the Cool Store, Kesslers Diamonds in Germantown, WI.

In the store’s men’s room is a sign that helps out the nervous groom-to-be. Every store ought to be so creative! You’ve got to read the whole sign — it’s great:

Here’s your chance. Get out now while you can. Quick, look for a window. Or the ventilation shaft. Okay, get out of your clothes. Skivvies, too. Lube yourself up with that hand soap over there. Get a penny and unscrew the duct. It’ll be tight so conviction is important at this point. You don’t want to get stuck. Imagine your bride-to-be coming in and seeing your nude lower torso poking out like some sort of modern art installation. That’s an image for the mantel, isn’t it? So squirm like the wind. Once free, get some clothing and start a new life somewhere with complicated extradiction laws. And then back to bachelorhood. Yes, the singularly most forlorn, emotionally vacant time of your life. Come on, is there anything more overrated than bachelorhood? If you’re like most bachelors, you go to bed every night wishing you weren’t one. Let’s look at the sacred, time-tested bachelor traditions you’ll be missing out on. Well, of course, there’s being a slob. As well as extended periods of not bathing and otherwise lapsed personal hygiene. And hanging out with your unattached friends. As group of guys with each passing year are starting to get, frankly, a little creepy. Your future is out there. Your best friend is out there. Besides, that liquid soap itches like crazy.

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