IN A RECENT “60 MINUTES” PIECE, the Oscar-winning actress, Kate Winslet, was being interviewed and needed a moment to compose herself while shedding a few tears.
The interviewer had asked the actress about nasty comments that were levied at her when “Titanic” was released. Some commentators mocked Winslet for being “overweight.” Winslet was 22 years old at the time, and yet she was still brought to tears 30 years later in recalling the abuse.
Paul Simon told his biographer, Robert Hilburn, that during an early photo shoot, Art Garfunkel turned to Simon and said, “No matter what happens, I’ll always be taller than you.” Hilburn asked, “Did that hurt?” to which Simon replied, “Did that hurt? I guess it hurt enough for me to remember 60 years later.”
Simon and Winslet are stark reminders that Grammys, Academy Awards, fame and even time itself cannot erase the pain of a slight.
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I have left jobs and been moved by private messages from employees about how I had inspired them — some even going as far as to cite specific details about things I’d said and how it had impacted them. The flip side, however, is I’ll never know the occasions when a conversation, a comment, or an attempt at humor might have had the opposite effect and left an unintended psychological scar.
“What we say carries weight beyond anything we could imagine.”
As a principal in business, we don’t get to opt out of what used to be called ‘soft skills.’ What we say carries weight beyond anything we could imagine. The psychologists call it the Leader Amplification Effect.
Lisa Feldman Barrett wrote in “7½ Lessons About The Brain”, “There is a real biological benefit when people treat one another with basic human dignity. And if we don’t, there is also a real biological consequence, and it eventually trickles down to a financial and social cost for everyone.”
The good news is it doesn’t take much to do the right thing by your people. You can and should always have direct, honest, and civil conversations. Sometimes those conversations are uncomfortable if they include appropriate and respectful criticism for under-performance. Understanding the power of your words as a leader is critical. Beware of lazy critiques, especially in public, and know there are no throwaway lines when the boss says them.
Let people know you’re not perfect at this stuff, but you want to hear from them if something you said offended them. It may be that an unintended remark was viewed as insensitive.
It may also be that an appropriate criticism was not well-received, and your employee will have to reconcile that discomfort.
You can say, “I’m not good at this stuff,” but the consequences will still be there. The good news, however, is you don’t have to be perfect. A baseline of decency and respect is all anyone can ask for.
In the meantime, I strongly recommend re-listening to Paul Simon’s “Graceland,” but give “Titanic” a miss … it doesn’t end well!
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