Oscar Night 2018: 20 Quips and Questions from a Regular Red-Carpet Tweeter

I’ve been live-tweeting awards show red carpets for about six years now and despite everything that’s going on in Hollywood, there are still a handful of us who are interested in the jewels – and fashions – celebrities choose to don on their big night. Are there atrocities going on in the world that I could be paying attention to instead? Absolutely. Would my time be better spent learning how to speak Thai? Probably. But sometimes, a mental break is necessary. Sometimes I want to be reminded that while this country isn’t governed by a monarchy, we do have our fair share of “royals” who happen to look darned good in a vintage Tiffany & Co. necklace that I will never be able to afford. Oscar night is one of the few nights per year where I get to live vicariously through the Margot Robbies and the Gal Gadots of the world, and I will take that chance any time I can get it.

With the above said, here are 20 quips and questions from the red carpet and 90th Academy Awards ceremony that may or may not have entirely to do with jewelry and watches.

1. Diane Warren’s jacket started the night off in the most blingtastic of ways only to eventually be upstaged by Chadwick Boseman’s. I hear the two coats left the Vanity Fair party in a shared Uber. No word from either of them as of 6 a.m. (though I’ve heard they like to keep things close to the chest.)
2. Why is it that Helen Mirren is better looking at age 72 than I will ever be in my entire life (and that’s BEFORE she adorned herself in over $3.8 million worth of Harry Winston sapphire, diamond and platinum jewelry)? Bonus points for Mirren: she did a shot of Tequila on the red carpet.
3. Kobe Bryant won an Oscar. KOBE BRYANT WON AN OSCAR? Kobe. Bryant. Won. An. Oscar.
4. It was nice to see Tom Holland (aka “no, not that Spider-Man, the other Spider-Man. No, not that one, either … the younger-looking Spider-Man”) wearing the Piaget Altiplano Skeleton watch in white gold, which he paired with a six-button double-breasted tuxedo, because when you’re in your 20s, you’re British, and you’re cute, dressing in something from the costume department of the movie Bugsy Malone won’t bat an eyelash.
5. Nicole Kidman’s big blue bow deserved its own Oscar for Best Supporting Presenter.
6. Anybody else think the velvet tuxedo trend was a subtle nod to the ghost of Hugh Hefner? No? Just me?
7. Ryan Seacrest appeared to have been avoided by A-listers on the red carpet like he was a pound of gluten wrapped in a plague of locusts.
8. Oh hey, Armie Hammer. Nice watch and cufflinks (both, Montblanc.)
9. Can we all just agree that nobody drapes celebs in emerald jewels quite like Lorraine Schwartz? Oscar nominee Octavia Spencer was radiant in Lorraine’s emerald and diamond drop earrings on the Oscar red carpet while Kendall Jenner glowed in green emeralds at the Vanity Fair afterparty before she flew off into the night with the other really attractive bats.
10. FUN FACT TIME! Wolfgang Puck hires 300 chefs and 900 waiters to cater to 1,500 people for the post- Oscars’ Governor’s Ball dinner, with 90 percent of the latter likely to send back what they ordered three times before they’re satisfied.
11. Jokes about jet skis are bound to sink.
12. Do you think Meryl Streep’s contract states that she can never sit in the second row, anywhere?
13. Gal Gadot isn’t just everybody’s favorite heroine — after last night’s aquamarine and diamond art deco-inspired necklace by Tiffany & Co., she’s our favorite jewelry heroine as well.
14. Who else here thinks those were vegetarian hot dogs?
15. At 93 years old, Eva Marie Saint is so much better-looking than the Oscars could ever dream of being, and she’s got them beat by three years.
16. (Channeling Oprah) YOU GET TO WEAR CHOPARD! AND YOU GET TO WEAR CHOPARD! AND YOU GET TO WEAR IT! AND YOU! AND YOU GET TO WEAR CHOPARD! WE’RE ALL GETTING TO WEAR CHOPARD!!!!!
17. Oscar-nominated actor Daniel Kaluuya sported golden brown velvet on his back and an IWC Ingenieur Chronograph on his wrist, and I love him even more now.
18. After seeing Jane Fonda (in Chopard!), I dusted off my VHS player and popped in her old workout tapes because obviously they work. Obviously, people. OBVS.
19. Common never ever ever ever ever lets the fans of the #manbrooch down.
20. My life’s goal is now to one day go for a drive in a pickup truck with Frances McDormand.

And that’s the end of awards season, folks! See you next year!

This story is an INSTORE Online extra.