Read the story in this issue on whether you need a new site for your store? Well, the ?In the End? team has come up with 20 pretty-good indicators that your store would benefit from a better location:
1. The lone tumbleweed blowing across your showroom floor.
2. Dick Cheney stays in your store during high terror alerts.
3. Manhole cover difficult for customers to lift for entry.
4. Have to hang lunch high in the trees so bears won’t steal it.
5. Ambient noise = vultures cawing, rattlesnakes hissing, and ?city folk? whose car broke down moaning in your basement.
6. Cable company says they’ll be by to hook you up between the hours of 1 p.m. and 2016.
7. Your goldsmith uses nearby lava flow for metal work.
8. While watching latest Mars Rover footage on TV you notice the robot approaching your front door.
9. Your last customer was competing in the Iditarod.
10. Easy access to plenty of diamonds … unfortunately they’re all still 150 miles under the Earth’s crust
11. Sales staff is made up of Gilligan, the Skipper and Ginger.
12. Promotional mail-outs include GPS location devices and global coordinates.
13. Giant hand keeps putting pieces of cheese in front of your door and dropping what seem to be huge white mice way off around the corner and in the distance.
14. Only customer is a volleyball named ?Wilson?.
15. Directions to store include the instruction, ?Turn left into the Alpha Centauri wormhole …?
16. Store was featured on an ?In Search Of …? episode.
17. Trail of breadcrumbs leading to your store keeps getting eaten by birds.
18. Nearest neighbors in the tornado are the roof of a barn and a flying cow.
19. When you call information, they ask, ?What oasis please??
20. Five-year warranties on watches already expired by time customers get all the way home.