FUNNY THING ABOUT LISTS. Once you start making them, it's impossible to stop. At least that's what we found after last month's “Listapalooza” column, which is our only possible excuse for this second installment.
Terms you would be rightfully wary of if you came across them in a credit or lease application, ranked by order of rightful wariness
”In perpetuity”
”Sue your ass off”
”Pound of flesh”
”The vig”
”First-born son”
Harry potter spell or collector's gemstone?
1.) Anatase
2.) Aparecium
3.) Tufa
4.) Coloportus
5.) Curposklodowskite
6.) Densaugeo
7.) Orpiment
8.) Ferul
9.) Spodumene
10.) Wingardium
(Collector's Gemstones: 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. harry potter spells: 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10.)
Possible spin-offs of the popular “mother and Child” jewelry line
“Mother and Bridge Buddies” Jewelry
“Mother and Oprah” Jewelry
“Mother and Pilates Instructor” Jewelry
“Father and Nine-Iron” Jewelry
“Father and the Sunday Times Crossword Puzzle” Jewelry
Non-recommended questions when making add-on sales
”So that's it?”
(Holding customer's credit card up to ear and shaking it) “How much you got in there?”
“So you don't think jewelry is an appropriate gift for your landscaper?”
“Exactly how big is her goiter?”
Pitiful or practical sentiments, depending on your perspective, expressed by the singer of the song “diamonds are forever”
Diamonds are forever.
They are all she needs to please her.
They have the ability to stimulate and tease her.
They won't leave her in the night.
She has no fear that they will desert her.
In spare moments, she enjoys holding a diamond up and caressing it, stroking and undressing it.
She is not interested in love, believing love will never do her any good.
Instead she prefers diamonds, for they never lie to her, and when love is gone, the diamond will luster on.
A sparkling diamond will remain on her finger and, unlike men, the diamonds will linger.
Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for.
Diamonds are forever, forever, forever. Forever and ever.
The five most frequently played selections on the theoretical jukebox of disafffected employees
“Take This Job and Shove It” — Johnny Paycheck
“I Don't Like Mondays” — Boomtown Rats
“Everybody's Working For the Weekend” — Loverboy
“Back On the Chain Gang” — The Pretenders
“Working in a Coalmine” — Devo
Replies you might hear if your boss HAS BEEN mysteriously replaced by a “magic 8-ball”
”Signs point to yes.”
”Reply hazy … try again.”
”My sources say no.”
”Cannot predict now.”
”Better not tell you now.”
”Outlook good.”
”Outlook not so good.”
”Don't count on it.”
Popular sales techniques and their lesser-known variants
The turn-over/the spin-around
• Like the turn-over, this technique involves teamwork. One salesperson stands in front of the customer; the other behind. The first salespeerson grabs customer by the shoulders, quickly shouts out a selling point, then spins the customer around to the second salesperson, who does the same thing. Repeat until customer buys … or passes out.
the puppy-dog close/
The poppy-seed close
• Involves planting highly illegal drugs on purchaser, having security dog “discover” drugs, then telling customer they can “make this all go away” with a small diamond purchase.
Active listening/ hyperactive listening
• Involves saying “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh” or “yep, yep, yep, yep” after every statement the customer makes.
Open-ended questioning/ open-ended threatening
• When encountering an objection he can't counter, the salesperson mutters: “If you don't buy this, something terrible will happen … terrible.”
Least popular new diamond shapes ranked
Rhombus
Tetrahedron
Avoirdupois
Cheerio
Marquise (de Sade)
More realistic conclusions to the popular aphorism “give a man a fish …”
”Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you will not have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is.”
“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment.”
“Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless he doesn't like sushi — then you also have to teach him to cook”.
“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day.”
“Give a man a fish … and he'll wonder what you want from him.”
Some things that probably will, and probably won't, Impact your sales this holiday season
1.) High fuel prices.
2.) Flattening home prices.
3.) Your hours of operation.
4.) Rubbing your lucky rabbit's foot during sales presentations.
5.) Self-affirmations you repeat to the mirror each morning.
6.) Your new cologne.
(probably will: 1, 2, and 3. probably won't: 4 and 5. depends on the cologne: 6.)
Got any lists of your own for a future “Listapalooza”? Email editor@instoremag.com