If you’ve read our calendar for this issue, you’ll know that July 1 is International Joke Day. As it would be cruel to leave you hanging on this important occasion, we scoured the World Wide Water-Cooler determined to find the funniest jewelry jokes ever. Well, we found these instead:
HOLD ME
Husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ?’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says, ?’WHAT?!?’!’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis, but okay, if you like it … then let’s get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down ? so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ?Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.”
The husband says, ?No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”
The wife’s face goes blank.
The husband continues: ?No honey. I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.”
SMASHING STORY
Mel and his wife are walking down Main Street one evening. They stop at a jewelry store window. She says, ?Mel, I’d love those diamond earrings.? He says, ?no problem,? and takes a brick out of his pocket, smashes the window, and gets the earrings for her. They walk away hastily and soon come upon another jewelry store. In the window, there is this gorgeous diamond ring, and the wife says, ?Mel, oh please, please, please, get me that ring.? He looks around, sees there’s nobody around, takes a brick out of his pocket and hurls it at the window. Now she’s got the earrings and this great ring, and they walk away … until they come to yet another jewelry store. There’s this fantastic diamond necklace in the window. She starts begging, ?Mel, Mel, just look at it. I need it!? He looks at her and says ?Whaddaya think, I’m made out of bricks??
I WANT A NEW DRUG
After the runaway success of their anti-impotence drug, Viagra, Pfizer Pharma-
ceuticals is proud to announce its latest product: Buyagra. Within 20 minutes of taking the drug, married or otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts. Still to be seen: whether the effects of the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.
TRUE LOVE
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, ?I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles.?
?She did,? he replied. ?But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep??
EASY TO PLEASE
How to Impress a Woman
1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.
MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE
Customer asks her jeweler what a G-color, S1-clarity diamond looks like.
?Buying or selling, madam??
THE CURSE
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
?This is the Klopman Diamond,? she said. ?It is beautiful. But there is a terrible, terrible curse that goes with it.?
?What’s the curse?? the man asked breathlessly.
?Mr. Klopman.?