By Nobrowsin Nohow
IF THERE’S ONE THING I’VE LEARNED after three months in the jewelry biz, it’s that you must sell customers what they make perfectly clear they don’t want. If they buy one itsy-bitsy charm, and really believe they’re going to get out the door without an add-on, subtlety or so-called sales techniques will get you nowhere. It’s up to you to force multiple sales.
TIP: Do not skimp on your security-guard budget when employing these sure-fire strategies, but do make sure your security cameras are off.
PUTPOCKETING Hang a sign on your door that says customers pay for any piece they leave with, and then instruct your staff to slip slow-selling items — expensive dogs — into their pockets as they walk out. Have the security guard — equipped with a metal detector — stop ’em, strip search ’em, and threaten ’em with shoplifting charges, if they don’t hand over their credit cards. If the police do somehow agree to arrest the customer, add on an ankle bracelet to the bill in case of house arrest.
RANDOM ENFORCED PIERCINGS Have extensive training meetings on conducting this maneuver, during which any customer in the store can be held down by team members and pierced in a random body part. (What a fun promotion! There’s no better way to foster teamwork!) Arm staff members with piercing guns, handcuffs, rope, stun gun and anatomy books, and bring in a cowboy to demonstrate roping techniques. Be sure to let them know it’s OK to use their imaginations and remove items of clothing that impede progress.
HILARIOUS HEALTH SCARE Dress in a white coat. As customers approach, subject them to a piercing stare, feel their pulse, and announce that they are suffering from an underlying ailment of the silent-killer variety, for which they need to be equipped immediately with a Medic-Alert bracelet studded with a 4-carat D flawless diamond. If they resist, throw them into the vault, and say they will be quarantined for their own safety until they buy what you’re selling.
YOU BREAK IT; YOU BUY IT Hand the especially difficult customers defective pieces of jewelry, or seriously cracked crystal, and watch the items disintegrate in their hands. Or, for more drama, suddenly scream like a howler monkey while they are handling pricey giftware. That’s always good for broken crockery, a laugh, and an extra $1,000.
NO BROWSING If a customer drinks your coffee and stares into your cases, but says “No, thanks, just looking,” when you offer to help, immediately march him out the door while employing strategy No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 — or all of the above.
