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In the End

Money Madness

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Itching to get started on implementing the expert tips in this month’s lead story on saving money? Not so fast! In the End brings you the real heavy-hitters, providing their best money-management tips:

ENRON’S KEN LAY
?Okay, the first thing you need to do is limit your inventory risk with a derivatives package. You’re going to pay $4 per engagement ring for a, I don’t know, Acme Jewelers Derivative (you can just make this up, call it whatever you want), so that for any rings that go unsold you get reimbursed in Engagement Ring Futures to the tune of $500 per ring. Don’t worry, you get to keep the unsold rings.  

This is all mostly above board … so far.  

Next, you’re going to call Poland (currently suffering an engagement ring shortage) and peddle quarter-derivatives (that’s $1 out-of-pocket per, limiting your overall risk) based on potential Engagement Ring Futures for $250 each. Let them beat you down to $230, they’ll be happy and you’re still almost halving your exposure for a quarter of the risk.  

Here’s the good part. Now you’re going to re-insure your entire engagement ring inventory on the basis of the quarter-derivative earnings and speculative future earnings in an emerging market for 500 percent of your total Poland sales. Remember to count each Poland contact as a pending sale, regardless of whether they’re signed on yet. With the re-insurance money, you triple the value of your Engagement Ring Futures because your capital backing has just gone up, you’re one-eighth as exposed … but quintupling your derivatives!  

All perfectly quasi-legal. Oh yeah, and make sure you have a top-of-the-line paper shredder in the office.  

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And if anybody asks, I’ll deny I ever told you this.? 

DIET GURU DR. ATKINS
?The key to a healthy display case? Get rid of all those carb-heavy bread-and-butter items and fill up on all the protein-rich ?dogs’ you like!? 

WRESTLING ANNOUNCERS JIM ?J.R.? ROSS AND JERRY ?THE KING? LAWLER
J.R.: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the match we’ve all been waiting for … everybody’s favorite, Family Jules, versus the downright rotten Green Span … 
KING: That Green Span is as dirty as they come, J.R.! 
J.R.: That’s right, King, and there’s the bell! Jules goes right for the legs with a Figure 4 C’s Leglock … Green Span escapes … and … oh, no! The Green Span’s got Family Jules by the FAMILY JEWELS! He’s hiking interest rates … now he’s slashing them … hiking them … slashing them … hiking, slashing, slashing, hiking … JULES IS IN REAL TROUBLE! 
KING: But wait, who’s that up on the ramp? 
J.R.: IT’S BULL MARKET! Bull Market is making his way to the ring, folks! He’s not going to stand by and watch his tag-team partner Family Jules get MERCILESSLY BEATEN by the MONSTER Green Span! No, sir! 
KING: You spoke too soon, J.R.! BULL MARKET IS TURNING ON HIS PARTNER FAMILY JULES! 
J.R.: Oh, my Lord! WHAT IS BULL MARKET DOING, KING?!? 
KING: Wait a second … he’s … he’s … he’s TAKING OFF HIS MASK! 
J.R.: That’s … that’s not BULL MARKET! It’s his evil brother BEAR MARKET! 
KING: BEAR MARKET!?! What’s HE doing here? Nobody’s heard from him in five years! 
J.R.: Oh, this is sick, King, just sick. Bear Market and the Green Span have Family Jules in a DOUBLE DEPRESSION LOCK! NOW THEY’VE CUT HIM WIDE OPEN! Blood is STREAMING from an OPEN WOUND on his head! Folks, I am just DISGUSTED by this turn of events! OH, I CAN’T BEAR TO WATCH!!!!

COMIC BOOK HERO, THE INCREDIBLE HULK
?Hulk see dead inventory! Hulk not like dead inventory! Dead inventory try to hurt Hulk! Dead inventory make Hulk ANGRY! HULK SMASH DEAD INVENTORY!!!!!!? 

EVIL OVERLORD SAURON
?Investing advice? Just do what I did ? put everything, and I mean everything ? into a single ring of unsurpassed power. Whoopsy! Now where did that little bugger disappear to?? 

RADIO SHOCK JOCK HOWARD STERN
?I’m going to let you in on a little secret: BLEEP BLEEP a really huge BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP in the BLEEP BLEEP to get that BLEEP in the BLEEP. You love it, don’t you? Get outta here, you. Go make money. You disgust me.?

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